i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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