i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
