Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
