Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
