Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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