literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
