i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
