I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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