i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
