Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
