There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I need a beard to bite.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
