I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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