i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
