Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I am mentally ready for anal.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
