the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
