we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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