we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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