Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
