I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
