Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
