Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
