I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
