True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
