is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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