do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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