I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
