the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
