i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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