Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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