i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
