he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
only you would photoshop your dick
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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