I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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