im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
