matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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