Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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