i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
