I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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