I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
