I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
