I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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