Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
