pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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