my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
