haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
