The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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