Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
