how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
