I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
