youre lurking in front of me
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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