At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm jealous of your bromance
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Hippo gnu deer
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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