I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
