I think I won the penis lottery.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
