I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
