Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
