Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
