meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
