don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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